Another day is nearly done and I have accomplished so little. This is another sad day for it is the day Jim was cremated. I cannot imagine our life without him.
We normally have so much fun on New Years eve celebrating the upcoming year with friends. Last year we were at the Schlagels house till after 2 am!! Tonight the kids and I got out of the house and went to the Outback Steakhouse with Carol and Jamie Schrader. A welcome change and time to laugh again and seek solace in our family and friends. I realize though that things will never be the same again without my Jim joking and telling detailed stories as only he did.
Now I am going to backtrack some and continue my saga from yesterday.
I believe I left off when they found an enlarged spleen which caused them to reject Jim's organs for transplant. With that being the case, that opens up new questions and wondering was there something I missed? Did Jim have another medical problem that we were unaware of?
Since they could not harvest organs, it was now necessary to make the arduous decision to stop life support. We had left the hospital for a couple hours to refresh ourselves when our nurse Seth called us back to Jim's bedside. Upon our return, Vale's Mom, Vicky, and my brother Glenn accompanied us as we surrounded the bedside in tears. Each one of the kids said their own goodbye's whispering into Jim's ear and soaking his neck with tears. I clung to Jim's arms and hands and felt the heat of his body as his temperature was now 103.7 and his BP in the 80/40's. The Dopamine was turned off and his heart in sinus tachycardia at 112. He was just a shell of the man I had known and loved all these years. The wonderful, loyal, honest, God fearing father to our 4 children. I stood beside him in disbelief thinking about all the years together, the fabulous memories we made. How could it be that we were here? We had just had that great day in Rocky Mountain Ntl. Park snowshoeing!! As I whispered into his left ear I wept uncontrollably. "Don't leave me." Kissing him on the cheek it was so difficult knowing that his brain was dead but his heart beat so strong. That big ol heart he had for everyone. He gave so much of himself to me, the kids and to those he knew. Jim was a patient man and we balanced each other so well. I continued telling him how much he was loved and my prayer for him. The inevitable came next.
Seth had us leave the room for a few moments as he extubated Jim and turned off the ventilator. We stepped back to his side, hugging, kissing, holding his hands and gently stroking him. The monitor was still on as we watched the last beat of his heart at 7:11 pm on Sunday night December 28th, 2008.
We can only cope by knowing that he is in Heaven with Jesus. Jim is without pain. He is watching over us and will forever be in our hearts and memories.
As the new year approaches I am comforted by so many loved ones and all the supportive letters, e mails, notes, cards, acts of kindness we have been shown. I have a poem to share that seems appropriate as it is 11:50 pm and midnight is near.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me
I wished so much you wouldn't cry
The way you do each day
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
And each time you think of me
Please know I miss you too
But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand
That an Angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand
And said a place was ready
In Heaven up above
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I truly love
I had so much to live for
So much yet to do
It seemed almost impossible
That I was leaving you
When tomorrow starts without me
Don't think we're far apart
For every time you think of me
I'm right here in your heart.
The hour is here...Larissa and I hug and pray for our journey ahead...The boys and Vale off to spend the last few minutes of 2008 with their friends. They had already wished us a Happy New Year with big bear hugs and love. Now my bed is calling me so..
Happy New Year to all...May 2009 bring you good health and joy! Enjoy every minute of every day with those you love. You never know what tomorrow holds.
God Bless and keep you in His care.
Love, Linda
Linda and family,
ReplyDeleteOur hearts ache for you. Yet, we rejoice in the promises of God. They are so comforting as we pass through the trials of our faith. Paul even writes in Romans 5, “We glory in tribulation also; knowing that tribulation brings patience, and patience experience, and experience hope, and hope makes us not ashamed (doesn’t disappoint). We are also told that God will not allow us to be tried beyond what we can bear, but he will make a way out.
Romans 8:28 says “all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” We also read “if God be for us, who can be against us?” Sometimes we search for reasons for our circumstances. However, “we now see through a glass darkly, but later we shall see him face to face.” Jim has now arrived home to be forever with the Lord. What a blessing.
God comforts us in all our tribulation so we can comfort others going through similar trials.
Jim loved God’s creation and enjoyed it immensely. Yet surely, heaven has its mountains—more unspeakably beautiful than those on the earth.
Romans 15:13 says “now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope through the powers of the Holy Ghost.”
II Cor 12:9 says “My grace is sufficient for you…”
Phil 4:7,8 says “...think on these things”
We love you very much. God’s promises never fail.
Glenn and LuElla
Linda, I read your story and the tears flow. The magnitude of your loss is staggering. My prayers grow stronger for all of you each day...
ReplyDeleteI miss you all, and feel so far away. When I am in Colorado next, we'll have coffee. May you continue to find your strength.
Dear Linda and family,
ReplyDeleteLIFE
Life is very special to us
We cling to life.
We try to hold it,
Grasp it,
But is seems to slip away
With each passing day.
We want to get everything
We can out of life.
It's knowledge
It's wisdom and beauty.
Sometimes we feel like
There's nothing to look
Forward to-------------.
Deserted.
Life has a course of it's own
We can't change it,
Or
Crush it.
We flow with life
For life never
Stops.
dw.
We love you.
Roy, Deb, Drew, and Mackenzie White
Dear Linda and kids
ReplyDeleteTodd, kids and i still numb with shock..we are broken hearted to lose our dear brother and even more grieved for your loss.Jim meant so much to us ..(as do you all)especially to Todd. He always said he had 4 brothers. I feel sure that Jim entered the Lords presence with no regrets and heard "well done my good and faithful servant" from our Father. Jim knew and loved what really mattered in this life and was an example to us all. I love you all and am so grateful to be part of your family.
love Jamie
Linda, I love you and want you to know that the prayers for you and the children are practically non-stop.
ReplyDeleteJim has always brought joy to our family. Being the baby was his special place. It was his smile and the hugs that always won us over.
We will miss him every day. We will stay strong and support each other. That's what he would want.
Love you all, Ellen
Linda,
ReplyDeleteHopefully you remember me, Patti's daughter. I was there when my mom got the call about Jim. Our hearts were all heavy for you and the family and we immediately started praying for you all. I can't even begin to imagine what you all are going through. I had a verse in mind, one that was shared already from my grandparents. We are thinking of you all and continue to lift you up in prayer.
Linda,
ReplyDeleteIt has been ten years I have not talked to you but I still think about your family and what amazing people you are. I always have thought your family was great. I always loved to come over to spend time with ya’ll because it was a real family with so much love laughter and respect. The amount of devotion that every person in your family had for each other was amazing to see. It gave me true hope that family and life can be an amazing thing. It never did not matter if some one was mad at some one, or what was going on you could always feel the tremendous amount of love that was in that home. Each and every one of you have different remarkable qualities that made your family special. I know that it must be incredibly hard right now but I know God is with you all right now. I just wanted to tell you that you all made a great impact on my life and I think that Jim was an incredible man and you all where blessed. I thank him for the time I had with him and he still to this day is the only person that called me Jessie! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jessica